How to deal with haters online

I recently faced a series of public attacks and it hurt a lot. 

Here’s what I did to feel better and get back on my feet. 

1. Check and see if attacks are justified. If so, problem solve and apologize. 
2. Systematically try different emotional problem-solving techniques until something works. In my case that ended up being:

• Problem-solving
• Loving-kindness practice directed towards myself
• Tapping

First I checked to see if the attacks were justified and if there was anything I could do to improve. 

It’s important to follow this step, because nobody’s perfect and if you’re doing something wrong, it’s better to acknowledge and course correct, rather than insisting that the people attacking you are just dumb and bad. Even if they say something in an unnecessarily hurtful way, don’t let that stop you from learning and improving. 

In this case, one of the cases was a justified attack, another was not. 

For the justified attack, I spent time problem-solving and issued a public apology and explanation of how I was going to do better. This got a lot of positive feedback and also made me feel a lot better. It feels awful to have gone against your values. Sincere apologies can be really healing. 

For the unjustified attack, that was a little harder. It led to real life consequences that will likely permanently affect my ability to do my work. This was harder to deal with. 

At first I tried to just take some time off, which did make me feel happier in the moment. However, when I came back to work, the problem was still there, and so I went straight back to feeling awful. Whenever I thought about work, I’d feel anxious and sad, then retreat to some distraction. 
I tried talking to my friends about it, which was nice, but didn’t fix it.

I tried reframing the issue (e.g. I’ll still have lots of impact, I should expect setbacks, advocates in the past used to suffer mob mobs, not just internet mobs, etc). I believed all of these in a certain way, but it didn’t fix the feelings of sadness and hopelessness. 

I tried pushing through it and hoping that time would just heal all wounds. 

But even if I could push through some waves of sadness, eventually one would knock me off course. 

I tried stoic practices. I compared my situation to people who had worse off situations or situations in the past that were much worse for myself. I tried dismissing public opinion. 

I tried reading a biography of an advocate who went through much worse than I did (Frederick Douglass). It was informative but did not help solve the emotions 

I tried gratitude journaling. 

I tried listening to motivational music and getting into a “shoulders back, stiffen your spine, get back in the ring” mindset.

I systematically kept trying different techniques until I found something that worked. Which is actually the general practice that everybody should do when they are feeling bad and it doesn't go away naturally.

Eventually the things that got me out of the funk were three-fold:

• Actual problem-solving. 

I came up with a partial solution to the problem. Things are still worse than if the public attack hadn’t happened, but I took some steps to make things better. 
Sometimes you’re unhappy because of actually bad things in the world. Sometimes your feelings of sadness or anxiety are pointing you towards the problem you should work on solving. 

• Loving-kindness practice directed towards myself

The specific techniques I used were:

1. Hands on heart (I find the physical gesture helps both generate the emotion and also helps you stay focused)
2. Imagining being Dumbledore and how he feels towards Harry, even when Harry is being attacked by the press and Harry’s not handling it well. Once that feeling is generated, directing it towards myself
3. Feeling a wave of sadness, then visualizing giving that feeling a loving hug

​

• Tapping

Tapping is a lesser known happiness technique that I’ve had a lot of success with. 

Here’s quick instructions on how to do it  . They say it’s about “meridians” and what not, but I just ignore that. I feel *immediate* benefits and that’s all the evidence I need.

Tips on how to do it: In my experience, positive emotions can arise within two seconds of tapping the correct spot. The effective tapping locations seem to vary between individuals. Some spots may consistently yield no response and can be omitted from your practice. 

For effective spots, it may be necessary to adjust the tapping location slightly (for example, by moving about a centimeter) until the desired effect is achieved. The optimal spot may shift subtly, and on some days, tapping might not work at all. If a spot has not produced a positive response after at least five attempts, consider discontinuing its use. 

If results are inconsistent, experiment with nearby areas but refrain from prolonged use on days when the technique is ineffective.

I did loving-kindness practice and tapping for about 30 minutes. 

I felt healing while I was doing it. Then, when I came back to the real world, I hit a small unrelated obstacle and immediately felt terrible again. 

However, something had shifted. I felt better and better throughout the day, still with waves of sadness, but the waves were diminishing in intensity and frequency. 

By the next day, I was back to normal. I did another self-loving-kindness and tapping session, just to be sure, but otherwise, I was back at it. 
​
Of course, different advice will work for different people. I most recommend the underlying strategy: systematically keep trying different methods until you find something that works.

Read more:

All
AI Safety And Pause
Anti Woke And Culture Wars
Charity Entrepreneurship
Fiction And Stories
Happiness And Psychology
Productivity